The “connect the dots” cliché comes to mind.
Let’s see: The Supreme Court in recent years has ruled that:
1. money is speech
2. corporations are people.
Now, if money is speech, then speech is money, right? And if corporations are people, then people are corporations, right?
Today our taxes are due. Since speech is money, why not allow Americans to pay their taxes in speech instead of in money?
And, since people are corporations and corporations never go to jail, then it seems to me that you should be able to pay your taxes by speech without worrying about sent to the slammer. The worst thing the feds should be able to do to you is to fine you .000000000000003% of your income. That, plus a metaphorical slap on your wrist. Of course, since you’re a corporation and corporations don’t have wrists, then your wrist, if you really had one, would be safe from slapping.
Now, if you happen to be suffering from laryngitis today, you can always file an extension until August 15, by which time you should have your voice back.
Yet to be determined is how long a speech you would have to give to fulfill your duty to Uncle Sam. If you owe, say five hundred dollars on your taxes, should you have to pay five hundred words or five hundred paragraphs?
Of course, if you deliberately fail to pay the required speech, the IRS could come down hard on you and sentence you to pay your sentence in sentences instead of in words. Nothing wrong on getting tough on tax cheats.
I’m reminded of the report of a 1980s taxpayer, who got fed up with the Pentagon’s five-hundred-dollar wrenches and four-figured coffee makers and included a hammer along with his tax return and instructed the IRS to keep the change.
We have a resident constitutional law expert on these cyberpages, Mr. Kevin Clarkson. I wonder if I paid my taxes today by making a speech at the IRS offices on 36th Avenue, whether Mr. Clarkson would represent me in court. I might not win my case, but it would be fun if Mr. Clarkson would accuse the federal government of engaging in a frivolous lawsuit.
How about it, Mr. Clarkson? I’m short on cash at the moment, but would one of those electric drill-screwdriver things make it worth your while?