President Obama’s State of the Union Address:

My fellow Americans. I come to you tonight, fully aware that my approval rating is below 50%. I just lost a slam-dunk election in Massachusetts, and the polls say that you don’t care about climate change or health care.

All you care about is the economy.

Fine. I will condescend to your little game.

In fact, I will spend the first 30 minutes saying the word “jobs“ as often as possible. I may also throw in 20 or 30 phrases that sound a lot like “economic recovery” or “financial rescue.”

But don’t think that I’m repeating these words and phrases again and again because I’m desperate for higher poll numbers. I reject that as false.

It’s you, the American people, who are the desperate ones. You are hurting people.

And it’s all Bush’s fault.

So, to help you poor people, I propose tax credits -- for everyone, and everyone’s grandchildren. Yes, I truly love capitalism with a fervor that would make Reagan blush…

But we also need to tackle our real problem: capitalism. We need to tax people who take risks and make money. And we need to redistribute that wealth.

On a good note, the House has already stuck it to the greedy bankers. Great job guys!

But, the Senate? Well, they’re obviously in the pockets of lobbyists. (No intelligent person would oppose my views unless they had been bought out).

Speaking of intelligence: they are actually some idiots who believe that climate science is complex (laughter). They have the audacity to disagree with the same UN officials who fabricated climate data. (Wipes laughter tears).

Simple folk.

Fortunately, the House has already passed a job-killing-climate-bill. (Pelosi, you rock).

But the Senate? Well, the Senate disgusts me like a reoccurring-President-Palin-dream…

I mean, the Senate has yet to pass Health care reform!

But, I have to take some responsibility for the Senate’s lack of health care votes... You see, you – the American people -- are just too dense to understand the implications of my tax-raising-bureaucracy-creating-health-care bill.

If only I had been properly educated you! I have simply been too far from the spotlight (A new Conan show should do the trick).

But back to the economy – in case you thought that I’d forgotten about it.

To deal with the deficit, I have decided to stop all government spending. Yep, all of it.

Except for National Defense. And Social Security. And Medicare and Medicaid... But everything else -- all 17% of it… will be frozen.

In 2011. (By then, you’ll have forgotten this promise).

You know, it’s sad… No one trusts today’s politicians. In fact, we have a "deficit of trust."

People are just tired of Washington being run by lobbyists.

And so am I. Lobbyists from, say, the AARP, pharmaceutical industries, and Unions, should never be allowed to come in, and talk to politicians behind closed doors…

And they should never be able to ask for – let alone receive -- sweetheart deals from public officials.

That’s just disgusting.

Fortunately, I’m a bastion of transparency. In fact, I humbly submit that I am the most open president in history.

Sure, I may have held hundreds of hours of closed door meetings on health care alone… which specifically broke another campaign promise…

But, I have published the names of everyone who visited the White House.

(Vigorous Applause)

Yes, I am nothing if not open.

I am certainly open about my antipathy towards certain members of the judicial branch (points at the Robed Ones in the front row).

When I was a law professor, I taught that the greatness of America was its separation of powers. The Executive, Legislative, and Judicial, I would say, are three, separate but equal powers, all beautifully balancing each other out…

What a load of bunk. I mean – did you see that ruling? Judicial morons…

But, back to you -- the angry-ignorant-electorate.

I know that you’re disgusted with Washington politicians who treat every day like a campaign.

Well, I am too. In fact, I am so outraged, that I will spend the next week campaigning for you, the American voter.

And do not think that I campaign because of my daily dropping poll numbers... No, I campaign because you, the American public, have the attention span of gnat. You will forget everything I have said, and will need me to explain it to you -- again and again.

And with enough Obama, you may just get it.

Good night, America.