Issue #2: Gifts--- To register or not to register…

Posted by brideblog

Posted: December 17, 2007 - 1:42 am

With the Holiday Season upon us, I thought this would be an appropriate time to address the issue of gifts… wedding gifts that is. Here’s the deal. The gift giving tradition at weddings initially started because a young couple about to start a new life together could use a little help from their friends. I always think of the scene from “It’s a Wonderful Life,” where Mary and George Bailey are helping the Martini family move into their new home, and Mary gives the family salt and a loaf of bread, and George gives them booze. Sounds great to me! It wasn’t a wedding scene per se, but you get the idea.

Back in the day, gifts ranged from household goods to donations that would make the wedding celebration more memorable: one aunt might have supplied the cake, grandma might have made the dress, and an uncle would have lent his horse and carriage for the bride and groom to use in making their grand exit from the church. When my parents were married, they had but just barely finished college, and no one had any money. I spent my first few years in a hand-me-down crib, and from what I remember, it was lovely.

Back then, the tradition made sense, and still does today for new couples in some ways. But in some other ways, it doesn’t …like when, hypothetically speaking, an engineer in her late 20s is marrying a business analyst in his late 20s and they have been living in a condo together for a few years, having had time to build some equity, buy some nice furniture and pick out their own Kitchen Aid and Cuisinart. Then, it turns out they are registered at Crate and Barrel, Macy's and Pier 1. I don’t mean to go off on a rant, but if I may go off on a rant… there is SO much money being spent by all parties involved, and with national household debt at its highest, sometimes the spending just seems a little out of control. My point is, why would a couple who already have a lot of the things they need, need any more? Don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t love presents. My birthday is June 5.

But until now, I’ve been on the “giving” side as a wedding attendant, and damn if I didn’t feel “the squeeze” with every invitation. What a horrible thing to say! I hope I don’t sound like a Scrooge. I love my friends dearly and was so happy to be a part of their special moment. I wish I had all the money in the world to spoil my loved ones. But back when I was “single and broke,” I was at my wit’s and wallet’s end after getting a gift off the registry for the wedding, getting a gift for the wedding shower, getting a dress, getting to the wedding if it wasn’t local, giving the bride-to-be an appropriate bachelorette send-off, and Damn! Things add up fast! For the record, I always had a great time and was so happy to be a part of their celebration. Until my credit card statement arrived. And doesn’t it seem like all your friends get married at the same time? And a year later, doesn’t it seem like they’re all having babies at the same time?! Don’t even get me started on Baby Showers.

Currently, I feel very fortunate to be “engaged and just barely breaking even,” and since being on the “receiving” side of things, my fiancé and I have discussed at great length the Gift Issue. We unanimously and wholeheartedly have decided that we are not registering anywhere, and we are telling people who, like us, are coming from out of town and will have to book flights or make arrangements to get to Chicago, that we absolutely want NO GIFTS. We just want them to come!

I’ve thought of suggesting a charity or two that’s close to our hearts in lieu of gifts, but we might even do without that to avoid creating any feelings of obligation on the part of our guests beyond showing up and having a good time with us. On the other hand, I’ve had a trusted friend tell me that it would be wise to include a charity in lieu of gifts because people will still feel obligated no matter what we say or want from them. Or maybe it’s because people don’t take the “no gifts” request seriously, or maybe people don't take people who say "no gifts" seriously, like we’re just being polite and secretly are expecting lots of gifts. It’s not like a Larry David episode. We really don’t want or need anything.

Won’t anyone believe us when we say “No gifts”….? If people cooperate with a couple’s registry, won’t they go along with where we registered? It’s at www.Don’t-buy-us-anything.com.

At the same time, we’ve had friends personally approach us with offers of things they want to do for us. These are very generous and thoughtful things, such as supplying cigars for the groom to pass out with a band that matches our color scheme; or supplying a hair stylist for the bride on the day of the wedding as a gift and a way to alleviate costs should we want one; my aunt even offered to host a shower for us which was very sweet of her. I’m not into showers, but the offer was still appreciated.

While sharing this information might contradict everything I've just said, there's something different about these types of gifts. These things were all volunteered by people who know us all to well, and they’re goods or services we’ll enjoy or would want to have anyway. Kind of like the aunt who bakes the wedding cake or the grandma who makes the dress. If that’s all we get from anyone, it will be the best wedding ever. And who doesn’t like cigars! That reminds me, I have to find out if the reception venue allows cigar smoking… and I probably should decide on a color scheme...

Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Year… and Saluté! Hope Santa brings you everything you wished for. I’m crossing my fingers for a pony, an iPhone, Guitar Hero III, and of course, World Peace.

Hugs and kisses,
Marlena a.k.a. “I’m-not-a-wedding-planner, just-trying-to-plan-a-wedding” Wojcik

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