Turns out I did not burn any Books of Mormon last Saturday after all. I decided doing that would incite Mormon terrorists around the world to retaliate against the United States.

After all, burning the Book of Mormon is just exactly the same as offending the residents of Oklahoma City by transplanting a basketball team from Seattle—and then inflaming passions by calling the team the Thunder, a grim reminder of the noise generated by the 1995 explosion, which I blame on all former Catholics of Irish descent.

I realize that not burning the Book of Mormon is a direct slap in the face of all Arkansas residents still reeling from the 9/11/1857 terrorism. But I don’t want to risk national security.

Mormons are known for their subjugation of women and the polygamy stillbeing practiced by those calling themselves Mormons.

What? Oh, I’m sorry. It’s not politically correct to claim Mormonism is an inherently evil religion. I apparently got the wrong religion beginning with the letter “M.”

Never mind.