Office Banter: The Day After the Loss... err, win...

Posted by Darin_Markwardt

Posted: November 5, 2009 - 2:06 pm

Comments (0) |

(Knock knock)

Pelosi: Come in.

Aide: He-hello?

Pelosi: What is it?

Aide: Um, Good morning, Madam Speaker. The, um, election results have come in.

Pelosi: And?

Aide: And… well, Madam, it’s not good.

Pelosi: Not good?

Aide: We lost, Madam. Big time. Virginia and New Jersey both went to the Republicans.

Pelosi: Hhmm… What about New York?

Aide: Good news! We won -- by 4%.

Pelosi: Yes! What a great night! Dems won, they lost!

Aide: Um… really? Madam, we lost two governorships in states that voted for Obama. How is that a win?

Pelosi: Young man, did we win New York?

Aide: Ya, I guess… with the help of the Republican candidate... against a third party candidate…

Pelosi: Therefore, the whole night was a win for us.

Aide: Very logical, Madam.

Pelosi: Anything else?

Aide: Yes, Madam, we’ve been fielding many calls about the health care bill.

Pelosi: So?

Aide: Well, Madam, your constituents are concerned that the health bill will add billions, even trillions, to the deficit. They’re even bringing up historical facts to back up their arguments.

Pelosi: Historical facts?

Aide: Yes. For instance, in 1965, the House Ways and Means Committee estimated that Medicaid would cost $238 billion in its first year.

Pelosi: So?

Aide: It actually cost $1 billion.

Pelosi: Big deal. Tell the callers that it was a special, one time case.

Aide: I tried that. But the people pointed out that Medicaid costs just kept rising. Did you know that Medicaid costs 37 times more than when it started?

Pelosi: Mere details. At any rate, Medicaid is not health care.

Aide: Ya, I tried that one too. But they responded –

Pelosi: Don’t tell me -- with more facts?

Aide: Yes, Madam. More facts.

Pelosi: Stubborn things...

Aide: Yes, they point out that in 1965, Congress estimated that Medicare would cost $12 billion by 1990.

Pelosi: And the costs went up?

Aide: Yes Madam. Medicare cost $90 billion in 1990.

Pelosi: Hhmm… well, young man, history is irrelevant.

Aide: Excuse me?

Pelosi: History is irrelevant. We’re Progressives – we look to the future for guidance.

Aide: How visionary, Madam.

Pelosi: I think so… Anything else?

Aide: Well, those same callers are worried that your bill will bankrupt the nation.

Pelosi: What kind of Fox News spin is that!? Don’t you know that this is a low cost health care bill!?

Aide: Yes, Madam, I’m only repeating what I hear --

Pelosi: It only costs $829 billion!

Aide: Yes... But some people say that the bill costs more. That we’re deliberately misleading the public about the cost.

Pelosi: Define “misleading.”

Aide: Well, madam, we’re separating $250 billion in Medicare physician payments from the larger health care bill.

Pelosi: How is that misleading?

Aide: Um… well, Madam, you’re claiming that the health care bill only costs $829 billion. But, in reality, you’re adding at least $250 billion to the bill. This means --

Pelosi: Young man.

Aide: Yes?

Pelosi: Haven’t you learned anything under my guidance?

Aide: Capitalism is evil?

Pelosi: That too. But, haven’t you learned anything about phrasing?

Aide: Phrasing?

Pelosi: (sighs) Whenever some Glenn Beck Guru brings up a so-called fact, you just throw out a catchy phrase.

Aide: A catchy phrase…

Pelosi: Yes. When those right-wingers –

Aide: Constituents.

Pelosi: Ya whatever. When those right-wingers say that we’re misleading the public about the cost, we simply call the bill “deficit neutral” -- and move on.

Aide: But what if the facts –

Pelosi: “Deficit neutral!” Don’t argue.

Aide: Got it.

Pelosi: Good boy.

Aide: So, when people say “we’re going to bankrupt the nation,” we say --

Pelosi: “47 million uninsured.”

Aide: Huh?

Pelosi: You heard me: “47 million uninsured.”

Aide: That doesn’t really answer their assertion. At all…

Pelosi: That’s the point. You don’t answer arguments – you shift course.

Aide: That hardly seems right --

Pelosi: We’re on the Left, young man. Debates don’t apply to our cause. Just shift course.

Aide: Right… So how do I “shift course” when I hear concerns about the public option.

Pelosi: First of all, don’t call it the public option. Call it the… competitive option.

Aide: Wait… won’t the government always set the lowest rates?

Pelosi: Yes.

Aide: And won’t that force all the other companies out of business?

Pelosi: Duh.

Aide: So… how is the public option “competitive?”

Pelosi: Because the government will always win. (laughter)

Aide: You want me to say this to your constituents?

Pelosi: You won’t need to. Just throw in the phrase “competitive option” and the moronic Limbaugh lovers will become ecstatic. They all drool over those capitalist lines.

Aide: Won’t they see through that?

Pelosi: Are you kidding me? Americans will believe anything we say. Didn’t we prove that by winning last night’s elections!?

login or register to post comments