A Safe New Tool for Ethical Communication Within
The Executive and Legislative Ethics Acts

Having run five Alaska statewide presidential campaigns, a successful Alaska gubernatorial primary, a disastrous gubernatorial general, a half dozen or more state senate and state house races and the Republican Party of Alaska twice as Chairman, once as Finance Chairman, I am qualified to advise candidates on how to comply with the ethics acts during the upcoming campaigns. This advice only applies to incumbent Legislators and members of the Administration, U. S. Senators and U.S. Congressmen. After all, you do not have to be ethical under these laws until you are elected.

First, all communications during the campaign must be done ethically. That means that you cannot use state or federal equipment to communicate on partisan political matters. It means you cannot talk politics on a landline or a cell phone. It means you cannot text, twitter or email on a state or federally owned computer. And, for state incumbents, it means that you must comply with the official records act and keep a written record of all those communications you can’t do on state equipment.

For my friends on both sides of the aisle in office, I have designed a new tool, a computerized Ethics Monitoring Categorizer and Decision Matrix (EMCADM) to help determine if a phone call, twitter tweet, email or other communication is within the respective ethics rules, regulations and statutes of the state of Alaska and the United States of America. The EMCADM can be handily attached to every phone, computer, blackberry or telegraph wire owned, issued or used by an incumbent who is also a candidate for office.

The EMCADM comes with a color coded communications device made up of six phones to which the EMCADM will sort calls according to their origin and subjects. The first three of the cell phones will be red for calls from Republicans, blue for calls from Democrats and white for calls from Independents or non-partisans and handle partisan political matters of a campaign nature. These three phones must be paid for by the campaign, not the state or federal government. Conveniently, the first three phones contain a sensor to identify the location called and location receiving the call. This sensor will sound a loud, flashing alarm if either the recipient or the caller is in a state or federal office. Immediately after the alarm, that cell phone will automatically shut down and forward the caller identification information to the Attorney General’s office for prosecution of the miscreant caller.

The EMCADM comes with three additional phones in different but equally attractive rainbow shades of mauve, hibiscus blue and peony stark white. These three will receive calls on subjects categorized by public policy, bipartisan and private matters. The peony one is the one Sarah would have used when talking to Todd. The peony phone must be paid for with personal funds, not campaign, state or federal funds.

To save you time in building your legal defense, the EMCADM will automatically record all calls on public policy and bipartisan matters to prove that they were not partisan in nature, transcribe the calls and publish them on the appropriate Anchorage Daily News blog. The EMCADM will also automatically record all personal calls to guard against non-elected spouses, friends or menservants crossing the line and discussing policy matters in a partisan way. Each of the phones will have a distinct number so that each call and billing can be traced, tracked by number, audited, verified and matched with the written record and recorded calls.

There will be a slight review few for candidates to compensate for the live monitoring of all these calls. I am offering this service on a bipartisan basis. I am trying to get the cell phone combined bills under $2,000 per month and hold the line on the service fee to under $5,000 per month. I have really streamlined the process and even added caller ID and a short opening recording. Here is a sample call.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. The computer picks up on the seventh ring. A musical ensemble tastefully plays appropriate and lovely background music.

Hello, this is Senator Hollis French. This call is being recorded.

Please answer the following questions so that my Ethics Monitoring Categorizer and Decision Matrix (EMCADM) can route this call to the appropriate state or non-state, equipment. Thank you for your cooperation and I look forward to talking to you:

Are you a registered voter? If no, press 1 for immediate disconnect.
Full name including middle name and Social Security number
Email address, user name. Using your keypad, enter bank name and password
Residence, mailing address and zip code
Employment, position, salary. If salary is $100,000+, press 2 for immediate service.
Home phone and automatic permission for my campaign to call.
Are you reporting an ethics violation? If yes, dial 3 for immediate service.
Have you provided the complaint to the Associated Press? Dial 4 if you would like us to handle that for you to assure deniability?
Are you a Democratic attorney reporting a Republican for investigation or prosecution? If yes, dial 5 for immediate service.
Are you a Republican attorney reporting a Democrat for investigation or prosecution? If yes, press 1.
Are you represented by Counsel? Using your keypad, provide the hourly billing rate.
For a campaign donation, press 6 for immediate service.

Thanks for your patience, we are almost through.

Is this a partisan, non-partisan issue, public policy or private issue?
Is this a public policy issue that could be categorized as a partisan issue?
Is this a partisan issue that could be categorized as a public policy issue?
Is this partly a private and partly a public policy or partisan issue?
Is this partly a partisan issue and partly a bipartisan or private issue?

Thank you for your call. I really appreciate your patience. The EMCADM is calculating which of my phones or computers is appropriate to route this call. Your wait time remaining is approximately 22 minutes.

My friends, this new tool will revolutionize campaign communication and assure each incumbent, who is also a candidate, that they are in full compliance with the ethics laws.